my name is Chloë, and i'm 18 years old, i am from holland but my english is okay.. i want to write this blog in english because i want everyone to understand my stories..
i wanted to start this blog because i love to sing and write about my emotions, it's a good way to accept my emotions and by sharing them with others you know I am not the only one, and so are you! everybody has emotions, and everybody wants to accept them and wants to let them out, this is my way!
i also sing, like I said before, and I would love you to comment on my stories, it is proved that people don't allways see the bigger picture about their emotions and stories, so who knows i could teach you guys something, and who knows you can teach me..
i want to thank everyone who will sent me comments and i will do my best to write back as much as i can..
Xx Chloe 1994
life goes on..
picking up life again.. a little..
so here i am writing again to you.. the funny thing is i don't know who "you" is or are exactly, but it's nice to write about how i feel and what happened in my life.. some off you people on blogse.nl inspired me.. and some of you may be inspired by me.. i hope i can do that!
if you read my last log i wrote about how everything sucked and how i felt about that.. but also that i said that if it didn't go right.. i would try to go left.. i did that.. i started my job at Sakara 3 weeks ago.. i work their with 2 of my friends.. esmeralda and mélina, they are just as crazy as i am and that maybe sounds like everyone sais it but in our case it is different.. whe are really crazy and whe are the bestes off friends.. so i have 1 bos and when he isn't around his brother is the boss.. my real boss is called hippo, not really but whe call him like that because he is a little fat.. and his brother whe called him cammel, that is because he really looks like one and he is crumpy all the time. hippo is really nice to us and is like the best boss you can have.. he is verry nice and he is someone who laughs a lot and makes jokes alot.. whe make jokes to so it is nice to work with him. his brother cammel is crumpy most of the time and he doesn't like mélita and esmeralda but he does like me.. so he is pretty nice to me though.. then you have our last co-worker and whe call him monkey, he is turkish and he really looks like one, hippo, cammel and monkey know that these are their names.. and that we call them like that.. and they are fine with it..
Sakara is a kind of restaurant but with a lot of "fast foor" like roll of döhner and stuff.. but that is because my boss is from egypt.. cammel monkey and hippo make the food and they are operating the cash register. We take the drinks and food and we bring what was ordered to the customers. whe also do the dishes. so it is like whe have 2 teams, me and my 2 friends are one team and cammel, hippo and monkey are the other team, and whe work great togheter so that is verry nice, whe have a lot of fun during our work.
we make a lot of jokes and my boss and monkey are also involved, sometimes camel also makes a joke, but that does not happen often .. we enjoy working together because after work we have a drink at the local pub a few doors next to where whe work or we go on Saturday evening to a place near by and visit our favorite nightclub called famous. the great thing is that we have all worked and are just as tired or fit, and finally whe can chat or somethimes just laugh about what happend at work, then we go and dance off the roof like whe say here in holland. we go crazy and know that we need no shame towards each other, and that feeling is just very fine .. it just felt trusted and that is really relaxing ... I love it!
So that part is great, but my new internship is really not nice! I have clients that there really stink and who really can not communicate with words, that's not really my target so I do not think it's so funny .. After the first day I really cried because I know I'm still a while there .. and it's just a group of people I do not click .. I've called in sick this week because I just could not, after having worked so much and then to have had much .. lol and then going to Those clients .. I know it is bad and that I should try to make the best of it, but after all the setbacks I had now decided to do just to get to. my rest once
so I get my life back a bit and it goes better with me .. also lose weight is good, but that internship is fucked..
hey I said I was going to get my life but I never said it was easy ..
life goes on
when nothing goes right.. go left!
everbody knows that feeling, when nothing goes the way you wanted it to.. i have that feeling right now.. i'm gonna tell you why.. i did my work part of school at a company, it was called Ph. (not like really but i can't use the real name). i had a lot of fun doing the things i did, it was a place to live for people with disabbilities and i loved working there.. but at one point there was this person who had to teach me things, and he suddenly acted really strange to me.. i tried to pay no attention to it and just do my work, but when he had more work to do because a college stopped working there, he kind of fired me.. when my school teacher came to the conversation he said he didn't understand what the problem was.. and neither did i.. i showed him my map wich tells about every day i worked there.. my "colleges" wrote about the day and how i worked.. there were no big deals that would say i needed to quite.. but he just didn't want to work with me anymore..
i cried that day.. because i knew i had a problem with school, i would lose my cliënts.. and i should need more time to finisch school then before.. all because of this..
School wasn't really going great either.. i had to work in a group with 3 other students who just didn't do anything.. so i had to do a school project wich had work for 4 people, and i had to do it alone.. i worked my ass off and i finished.. it was (even if i say it myself) an verry good project and it had a lot of work in it.. but even though i have not gave it to my teacher some feeling in my stumach tells me she will not give me the credits i deserve..
i also got a letter from school wich tells me that if i don't respond in 5 days and go to a conversation they will drop me off school.. because they say i didn't show up as much as i had to..
it's true that i missed classes, one of the reasons is that i don't have to go to english class anymore because the stuff they learn in that class is stuff i allready know for a long time.. so the teacher told me i didn't need to come to class.. now the school says i wasn't there when i needed to.. so they see it.. i send an email to the teacher and i will get that conversation about school..
i told you before that school and my study are my life.. that is what i really want to do, and that is where i live for.. but now that everything seems to fall apart.. it's like i got a big hit in my stumach and i feel like i need to trow over all the time..
so i tried to make thing work and they didn't.. my mom told me maybe i had to take a look at how i tried to make it work and change that.. maybe it is not the right way..
so i thougt about it.. and maybe she is right.. maybe when nothing goes right i have to go left.. the only question left vor me is... what is the left? and how can i do that?
i hope things will fall into place and school will give me an other chance so i can make things right by going left this time..
my study is my life and my goal for my future.. i don't wan't to let that go..
so somethimes even getting A's all the time, and being good in what you do is not enough.. somethimes it's the road you take and not the results that matter..
so maybe when i am going to change my road.. i will succeed.. i won't give up this easy.. i will fight for it, you can count on that.. but i don't know how to do it right now.. but i will..
thanks for reading everyone!
Life goes on
true love, true heart break, they say it comes with life..
i am going to tell you something that didn´t happen so long ago.. and something that started a long time ago.. in one story.. it´s like deja vu.. and like people say: that can be a bitch..
when i was younger i didn't had someone who truely love me, people allways told me i was fat, worthless and just a girl that didn't meant really something..
i kind of believed that at first.. and when i grew a little older my parents and i just didn't work.. and one day (i call it d-day) things were out of controll and i hit myself and said i was gonna make a change.. i wouldn't let people play me and i would stand up for myself.. and so i did, i left home and got to a place were children could go when they couldn't live at home.. i did not let people hurt me anymore.. and when they did.. i hit them! i become a violent girl who faught for her life physically but also by hurting other people in all the ways they hurted me..
when i grew a little more, i started to meet people with disabbilitys and saw how people laughed about them but they didn't understand and they didn't care.. so i knew then what my goal in life was.. standing up for the people who can't do it themselves.. so i wanted to work with those people and help the people with an addiction to alchohol or drugs..
i learned to help them by getting real close and giving them the trust and all of myself that i could give.. and that's where new hope started and was born.. i believed in my self and i believed in them, i saw their emotions, i saw their souls.. but i also saw that those people where even smarter then anyone else.. they can see that you care and when you do.. they make you feel like superwomen, because you care for the little things in life because they do..
i started a new life.. with new goals and a new boyfriend.. it lastet for 2,5 years, my work and study were great but i wasn't happy in my relationship.. i felt i was just like before.. not good enough and not special.. and that is what every single person is looking for.. they don't want to be special for everyone but just for someone.. i found out that i was right.. he cheated on me.. he didn't love me and he was having more girls then just me.. so i quit him.. i gave up hope.. and i lost love..
after i grew a little more again.. i gave myself hope back.. i wanted to start my life on my own.. and fight for myself without a men.. untill that stupid cupido shot me in my fat ass and laughed at me.. he said: her you have love back whether you like it or not. and strange enough.. i began to like it.. i fell crazy madly deeply in love with this boy.. his name was Jerm, i loved him with whole my heart and more then i had loved anyone in my whole life..
things were looking better, i saw a new beginning of life, with hope love and goals.. but most important for me was love.. i felt strong.. i felt like superwomen and i felt like i won the lottery.. i was never that happy.. but when he started lying about something and i had to found out.. i was upset.. and he said he did not know if he wanted a relation ship any longer.. i was being verry angry.. i couldn't understand why he lied and then he was the one who didn't know if he wanted to move on..
i tried to be chill and be happy and enjoy the things i still had but i just couldn't, there was a voice in my head that kept saying all the things he said.. i just knew that my heart was broken again.. but this time.. i just can't fix it and move on.. i am kind of stuck in a feeling and in a hole.. but i don't know how to get out..
it's like you get a box full of hope, and then one person just ruïns all of it by just being an ass.. and the stupid thing is that i still kind of love him.. and i would want him back.. but on the other hand.. on other heart break would kill me so bad.. that i am so afraid i do not want to live any longer..
so everybody sais.. life goes on.. but do you know that feeling that i looks like your life is on paus.. that's how i feel.. like the world is still turning and everybody in it.. but me.. i stand still an so are my emotians and my life..
hope is gone.. and with my uncle being sick and he is the only thing left for me.. it's like i am sick myself and starving bit by bit.. but yeah i am trying to live on.. and pick up where i left.. but that's is soooooo easier said then done.. i will write more later.. but for now.. i am just going to sing my heart out because that is the only thing that i can do to let my emotions go..
i lost hope, found it back and lost it again.. this goes way back but know when i lost it again.. it hurts and there are to many scars on my heart to go on now..
Vrijdag 22 maart 2013
this is my first log on my profile, i will tell you something about me, i am a girl and i live in Gelderland - Holland.
i am 18 years old now and i am studying on ROC, i am studying to work with people with disabbility's and i love working with them.. I am allmost done with my study but i want to work for a few years before i am going to do another study, i want to study psychologie when i am a bit older and when i have more work experience..
i live in 2 houses, the first is with my parents who have their own company in dog breathing, the second one is with my uncle, there is a story behind this situation but i'll save that for later..
i have a few friends who mean the world to me, the first one is esmeralda, I knew her sinds I was about 3 years old and whe know everything about each other, so she is my best friend! and the second one is mellita, I know her for 4/5 years now and she is amazing, she did the same study as i do, so whe have a lot shared oppinions and whe are verry close asswel.
i have one sister and one brother, my sister is 21 years old and my brother is 15 years old, my sister and I do not look alike and she is everything i am not, my brother is also different from me but i can get along with him better as with my sister.
i grew up in a small town with a lot off animals so i'm used to work a lot with them, but my passion is not the animals but the people, and the music.
i sang for a long time now and i love to sing, it's my way to accept emotions and it's the only way i can cry when i'm sad.. so music is my passion and allso my emotion-translater..
this would be all for now.. but these are all stories wich are not finished.. i will tell you more about this later.. now it's time to chill for a second and maybe i will write later today again..
Xx Chloë 1994
life goes on.. <3